Johnson
Dirt is good
Dirt is good
Dirt is natural it does everything that it should
Dirt is everywhere we should embrace it
Let your children get dirty let OMO erase it…
Dirt is not a thing to be feared
Dirt was on earth before people got here
Dirt’s an essential part of your neighbourhood
OMO needs dirty people so dirt is good…

Smith
Dirt is good. Dirt is good…DIRT…IS….Goood…
(abrupt stop)
I like it!

Dirt is Good
Dirt’s terrific
Growing children need dirt, in fact, it’s scientific
It boosts their resistance to illness
Prevents asthma and allergies and general silliness
Dirt’s full of enzymes which aid concentration
Dirt is God’s own immunization
Dirt has a purpose, it's everywhere and it's free
Dirt creates healthy adults like you and me


Yes, yes, yes! I like it. I like it a lot. What about you, Stuart, you’re always hip to the gay angle… what do you think… how will this wash with the homos on the street?
(abrupt stop)

Stuart
Dirt is good
It’s fundamental
I think Streisand got dirty when she was in Yentil
If Mom had just let me go outside to play
Then maybe I wouldn’t be so gosh darn gay
Dirt and Omo- what a great team
Like Fred and Ginger or Torville and Dean
I’m sure the fab five from Queer Eye would all agree
“Dirt Is Good” and no-one’s as dirty as me…


“Dirt is Good” I think it’s fabulous. I can’t wait to see the commercial. I don’t know if this helps but my exboyfriend’s boyfriend’s roommate knows someone who knows Lisa Minelli…

Mr. Phillips
Wait a minute…
(abrupt stop)
Doesn’t anyone want to know what I think?

Stuart
I’m sorry Mr. Phillips… I thought… I though you…

Mr. Phillips
I’ve had forty-three years experience in marketing and never in my life has a product I’ve marketed promoted the enemy…
For forty-three years we’ve been scaring the shit out of parents, telling them if they don’t get the dirt out of their kid’s clothes, the kid’s gonna wind up with cancer. For fuck’s sake, in the eighties I was responsible for inventing twelve new strands of bacteria… just made em’ up…
Coctafrothi
Staptacocoli
Coctostopoppi…
Pretty much anything with “cock” in it sounded scary.

And now this… “Dirt Is Good?”
It’s ridiculous…
(stab)
It’s preposterous…
(stab)
It’s… it’s…
It’s brilliant!
(stab)

Dirt is Good
Dirt is sweet
Now’days parents are so fucking anal and neat
Health problems are on the increse-ity
Who wants a house full of kids with no friends and obesity?
We’ll scare parents til all their kids are unclean
Say dirt improves social skills, builds self-esteem
No-one can lie like a scientist in a white lab coat
“Dirt Is Good” hell yes, you have my vote…

All right, people, if we want this campaign to work we’re going to have to pull out all stops. Somebody get a pad and paper and write this down…

I want child psychologists speaking on panels
I want pro-dirt stories on every new channel
I want graphs and charts on my desk by 12.30
Come on people! Let’s get those kids dirty

Johnson
Commission a study that says lack of dirt’ll
Make children ugly, obese and infertile
We’ll conquer the world with an international TV campaign

Smith
I see healthy young kids playing in dirt with their vigilant Nanny

Phillips
But they have to be white. Can’t see dirt if the kid’s Pakistani

Smith
Good point

There’s a young girl who’s bored
She’s playing in doors and she’s chubby- really chubby
She may be clean but she’s a fat little thing
And she’s hooked up to a dialysis machine!

All
Dirt is good
It’s so hot
This is gonna put OMO right over the top
We’ve created the con of the century
Oh, consumers must live in perilous times
When they’re at the mercy of marketing minds
They could stand in a forest and still be blind to the wood
Johnson
Cos it’s dirt
Smith
What is dirt?
Phillips
It’s just dirt
Stuart
It can’t hurt.
(abrupt stop)
…Can it?
(pause)
All
No, it’s dirt, Dammit
The truth is that Dirt Is Good